Struggling...

A couple of weeks ago I stood at my kitchen counter, I felt this awful feeling come over me. Sadness, and despair overtook me like a wave. I was just getting ready to go see a friend and I didn't want him to see my body. Disappearing seemed like my only option. After 2 years of learning to eat like a baby, without any managing my hunger, I'm still heavier than I've ever been. I've been a dieter for so long that I'm just not sure I will ever melt into my previous size 8 body. Maybe I've ruined my metabolism? I realize that I have sacrificed my body and my soul to stay thin. I just wish I could bridge the gap between wanting to be thin and wanting to be healthy. Only time and being willing to be curious about my coping mechanisms that are going to be my allies on this courageous,yet daunting journey. I'm also noticing that when I eat fast that it impedes my progress to be able to listen to hunger and fullness cues. If I can be mindful about what I'm eating and what I'm really wanting when I'm not truly hungry is going to be the most important thing to focus on while I'm healing. Till next time.