Struggling...

A couple of weeks ago I stood at my kitchen counter, I felt this awful feeling come over me. Sadness, and despair overtook me like a wave. I was just getting ready to go see a friend and I didn't want him to see my body. Disappearing seemed like my only option. After 2 years of learning to eat like a baby, without any managing my hunger, I'm still heavier than I've ever been. I've been a dieter for so long that I'm just not sure I will ever melt into my previous size 8 body. Maybe I've ruined my metabolism? I realize that I have sacrificed my body and my soul to stay thin. I just wish I could bridge the gap between wanting to be thin and wanting to be healthy. Only time and being willing to be curious about my coping mechanisms that are going to be my allies on this courageous,yet daunting journey. I'm also noticing that when I eat fast that it impedes my progress to be able to listen to hunger and fullness cues. If I can be mindful about what I'm eating and what I'm really wanting when I'm not truly hungry is going to be the most important thing to focus on while I'm healing. Till next time.

An Intuitive lifestyle...

The toughest thing about going off a diet was the fear that I was going to gain a hundred pounds.  Since that hasn't happened in over two years I'm very relieved.  The next hardest thing has been accepting the "making up for lost time eating" that my body has demanded since I deprived myself (if even only in my mind) for so many years.  As the pounds slowly crept on it was so terrifying to me that I was never gonna get this "intuitive eating" thing down.  I only recently realized that because of my dieting,  my body became an efficient fat storer.  Basically my metabolism has been severely compromised from deprivation and lack of rest. Even though that is devastating to me I know that another diet would simply would even make it worse and I trust that eventually my metabolism and health will balance itself out.  And now I know I will not end up like my mom who gained a hundred pounds after going on ten diets.   It has taken patience and a great deal of acceptance to not just go back on a diet and cave into the world of diet addiction- running from my feelings through the obsession of managing my body.  For most of my life I was addicted to the power that I felt by keeping myself at a low weight, which to me meant being the best 'commodity' ever.  I can't tell you how hard it is that all of my past behaviors have now come back to haunt me.  he fear of hunger that I got from 20 years of dieting makes me eat chips before every meal and it has resulted in an extra 15 pounds for now, but at least I will not gain a hundred pounds thanks to the miracle of learning how to eat intuitively.  The good news is I no longer wake up worrying about how to stay thin and obsessing about my body.  It seems like I have so much more time to do the things I want to do and I'm much more available for the people in my life.  After many months  I'm actually beginning to feel more comfortable with the size of my body and my weight.   For the first time since I went of a diet I have turned a corner and am no longer eating the chips before every meal, my body and I are learning how to trust each other.  When I listen to what my body wants and not my mind, it opens a door for me to let go and trust the miracle of all of those 3 trillion cells.  This journey has been an exciting and scary process for me, and so far it feels so much better than living constant war of mind against body and mind against mind.

The Dieter's Journey

I had no idea I was under the influence of a drug, an addiction.

For much of my life I have been managing my body and feeling "OK" as long as I could hold out the hope that, "this time it will be different, this time i will easily overcome the struggle".

I thought I was on the path to eating 'healthy', not in a 'process-addiction' (like a gambler).  The more I hoped that the struggle would get easier, the harder it seemed to get.

It was only until recently that I discovered that after 30 years of trying to manage my body, I could NEVER win the "war" - yes I said war.  The reason I could never win the war was because my body was rebelling from a natural physiological approach to keep me safe.  Safe? Yes Safe... I was continuously putting myself in harms way.  From my body's perspective even thinking about cutting back or managing was gonna make it store FAT ...DANG!

I call this journey an 'unlearning' because as children, when we had yummy food available, we knew how much to feed our bodies and when to stop. Now that I'm on this journey I'm so excited and little scared to see what unfolds... until next time.